Highs, lows, and everything in between
It's been awhile since I've last taken the time to sit and write reflections of my service. I have a handful of incomplete posts and a few more ideas, but I recently went through a season of burnout and found it difficult to feel motivated about daily work let alone writing about it.
The first five months or so of service were rough for many reasons - living adjustments, new relationships, loss, persistent hyper-visibility, self-doubt. I had been so excited to become a Peace Corps volunteer and continue my understanding of the world that I was unaware of just how much living in Uganda had taken a toll on my mental state and how it impacted my ability to love this place. My service felt empty and I did not know what to do to make it better. I was unmotivated to do activities because I saw the emptiness behind most of them and could not bring myself to do an activity for busy work. Not to mention, my lack of community fervor left me feeling like I was not doing so well as a volunteer. As much as I would try to summon my inner Peace Corps volunteer (PCV), I was stuck.
As a PCV, there is a burden to be in a certain image. When I think of the ideal PCV I imagine a person who is actively involved in her community, both in the workplace and at her home. She also hosts two or three activities per week, plans for her own projects and bigger outreaches, and can communicate freely in the local language. On the other hand: my neighbors drive me crazy; many of my planned activities have fallen through; I can hold a conversation in broken Acholi for five minutes; and I only have the brainstorm bits of any type of project. I am far from the the ideal PCV.
Many PCVs would agree that there is no such thing as a traditional volunteer and that everyone has a different experience. And while we say these words, many of us still experience pressure to conform to a particular image. There may be a variety of reasons any volunteer feels this pressure, but I experience this pressure out of a need to appear like I am a good volunteer. It no longer is about the community but about how I can fill my schedule with many activities to support my insecure persona and make myself look good. Because a PCV is all about "doing good" and good "cannot" be spread without enough activities, right?
A professor of mine once said, "Sometimes doing nothing is doing something." It was in reference to small-talk with clients. Small-talk feels like doing a lot of nothing, but small-talk is the basis of trust and (if done right) will eventually lead to the real problem. My season of volunteer burnout felt like a lot of doing nothing because I lacked motivation to be actively involved in the community like many other volunteers. This led me down a path of self-doubt and low confidence. But I had been so caught up in doing that I had not realized how much my experience as a PCV has changed me. It was a surprise because I was convinced that I had been actually doing nothing. Maybe I was not doing it in the way of the ideal volunteer, but my consistent attitude to show up (to go to the office everyday, to brainstorm new activities) despite my feelings helped set some of the most important framework of my service. All I needed was a little bit of time to find my way by taking the time to simply do nothing.
And it was successful. For the past few months, I have been doing work that is really meaningful to me and re-found the love that motivated me to join the Peace Corps. What I had considered the low-point in my service may truly be the most important piece to it. I lead quite the messy life, but I constantly strive (slowly by slowly) towards becoming the person who I want to be. It has become more important to me to not only have a service that reflects my deeds, but also one that reflects the character I have built. I would rather allow my experiences to create me into a loving, compassionate, appreciative, wise, and humble young woman than someone who's self-worth is defined by her work alone.
That's it for now; it's time to get back to work 😉
The contents of this website are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the U.S. government or the Peace Corps.
The first five months or so of service were rough for many reasons - living adjustments, new relationships, loss, persistent hyper-visibility, self-doubt. I had been so excited to become a Peace Corps volunteer and continue my understanding of the world that I was unaware of just how much living in Uganda had taken a toll on my mental state and how it impacted my ability to love this place. My service felt empty and I did not know what to do to make it better. I was unmotivated to do activities because I saw the emptiness behind most of them and could not bring myself to do an activity for busy work. Not to mention, my lack of community fervor left me feeling like I was not doing so well as a volunteer. As much as I would try to summon my inner Peace Corps volunteer (PCV), I was stuck.
As a PCV, there is a burden to be in a certain image. When I think of the ideal PCV I imagine a person who is actively involved in her community, both in the workplace and at her home. She also hosts two or three activities per week, plans for her own projects and bigger outreaches, and can communicate freely in the local language. On the other hand: my neighbors drive me crazy; many of my planned activities have fallen through; I can hold a conversation in broken Acholi for five minutes; and I only have the brainstorm bits of any type of project. I am far from the the ideal PCV.
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| My counterpart likes to take awkward photos of me in the field |
Many PCVs would agree that there is no such thing as a traditional volunteer and that everyone has a different experience. And while we say these words, many of us still experience pressure to conform to a particular image. There may be a variety of reasons any volunteer feels this pressure, but I experience this pressure out of a need to appear like I am a good volunteer. It no longer is about the community but about how I can fill my schedule with many activities to support my insecure persona and make myself look good. Because a PCV is all about "doing good" and good "cannot" be spread without enough activities, right?
A professor of mine once said, "Sometimes doing nothing is doing something." It was in reference to small-talk with clients. Small-talk feels like doing a lot of nothing, but small-talk is the basis of trust and (if done right) will eventually lead to the real problem. My season of volunteer burnout felt like a lot of doing nothing because I lacked motivation to be actively involved in the community like many other volunteers. This led me down a path of self-doubt and low confidence. But I had been so caught up in doing that I had not realized how much my experience as a PCV has changed me. It was a surprise because I was convinced that I had been actually doing nothing. Maybe I was not doing it in the way of the ideal volunteer, but my consistent attitude to show up (to go to the office everyday, to brainstorm new activities) despite my feelings helped set some of the most important framework of my service. All I needed was a little bit of time to find my way by taking the time to simply do nothing.
And it was successful. For the past few months, I have been doing work that is really meaningful to me and re-found the love that motivated me to join the Peace Corps. What I had considered the low-point in my service may truly be the most important piece to it. I lead quite the messy life, but I constantly strive (slowly by slowly) towards becoming the person who I want to be. It has become more important to me to not only have a service that reflects my deeds, but also one that reflects the character I have built. I would rather allow my experiences to create me into a loving, compassionate, appreciative, wise, and humble young woman than someone who's self-worth is defined by her work alone.
That's it for now; it's time to get back to work 😉
xoxo,
Emilia
The contents of this website are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the U.S. government or the Peace Corps.
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