Oh shit!

It was Saturday.  Saturdays are my house cleaning days; it’s become a routine to clean my clothes in the morning and my room in the afternoon.  Because I live on a second floor, I became accustomed to hanging my clothes on the railing overlooking my downstairs neighbors’ small courtyard area.  If it’s a windy day, my clothes may blow off the rail downstairs.  My neighbors usually look out for me and hang up whatever falls down. 

On this particular day, the wind took out some of my clothes but my neighbors only saved one of the two items that fell down.  They were able to understand my broken Acholi and successfully located my missing tank top on a pile of someone’s charcoal.  It was dusk outside and I could see, to my disappointment, with the little light that my tank was pretty dirty.  But once I was in my fully lit bathroom, I noticed that something much worse than dirt was covered in my tank.  I died a little bit insides as I realized someone had used my tank to clean up feces, human or otherwise, and that I was touching it.  Instead of throwing the tank as far away from me as possible, I boiled a bucket full of water and got out my scrubbing brush.

You may be horrified, dying of laughter, and/or wondering what this story has to do with anything at all.  In order to help you better understand, I need to take you back five months ago to when my laptop suddenly crashed on me.  This was a harsh blow because I used my computer nearly, if not every, day.  My laptop was my shield from reality because it was always there (save for when the power was out) and its breakdown took away my sense of protection.  I became very discontent with my service because I no longer had anything to keep me busy, even if the tasks were mindless and empty. 

It is no secret that I have struggled to find peace about my role as a Peace Corps volunteer (see “Highs, Lows, and Everything in Between”).  I had come to terms to not let the lows in my service define me as a volunteer, but my struggle was much deeper than my self-identity; it was rooted in my belief that a busy life is a meaningful one.  I unearthed one layer of the problem, only to discover another one at what felt like a really inconvenient time.

It was more difficult than the first quarter of my service, but I am so glad my laptop stopped working when it did.  The only way to confront our problems is head on and I really had no choice in the matter.  Conveniently, I was also reading The Chronicles of Narnia during this time.  My favorite book is the last one, The Last Battle, where we learn (SPOILER ALERT) that Narnia is really only a reflection of a much more beautiful world.  This may not make much sense to you if you do not believe in an afterlife, since I do, it hit me that this world is only a dimmed reflection; this life is only a very small piece of it all. 

I do believe what we do is important and we should be serious about what we do, but maybe there is another way of understanding this life.  If someone is a security guard and sits around all day, then is their life less meaningful than someone who is an executive director of a nonprofit organization?  And if so, who decides this and is it really fair?  It is my belief that a fully booked schedule from sunrise to sundown does not make for a meaningful life.  At some point it all may come crashing down.  Instead, I have rediscovered that no matter where I am, or what I am doing, it is well.

Maybe I am wrong and this life is the only one.  But why should I suddenly become ravenous to do and be all?  I appreciate the American value of work in so many ways, but I would much rather enjoy my life even if it’s boring than worry about whether what I do will ever be enough by filling it with way too many activities in an effort give my life a sense of purpose.  Life is full of cleaning up shit (figuratively, I hope for your sake) and learning how to move forward from it.  It’s full of both utter chaos and crushing stillness; peaked highs and valley lows.  Sometimes we are too distracted by our own shields, or lenses, to see what is happening to and around us.

xoxo,

Emilia

P.S. – I have had a laptop for just over a month now.  Thanks mom (and Rosie)!

DISCLAIMER: The contents of this website are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the U.S. government or the Peace Corps