Shut up and listen (please)

DISCLAIMER: The contents of this website are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the U.S. government or the Peace Corps.

If you have been following my posts in any way, then you will know that I am not shy to share some of my difficult experiences with you.  In fact, these experiences are some of my most cherished because they have shaped me into the person I am today.  I hope that they are not seen as negative or bad, but as the true experiences that they have been in a greater story.  It is refreshing to be able to use social media to share more than just pictures of me smiling in beautiful places.  Because I do spend my fair share of time enjoying myself, but I also do spend much more of my time trying to understand this concept we call “life”.  This is one of my favorite things about writing: the invitation of the author to the reader to partake in a journey with them…so long as the reader is willing.

One of my most interesting experiences has been being a light-skinned American in an African country.  It is mentally exhausting to be hyper-visible, or constantly being noticed the moment I step outside of my house.  This means that I know at least one person is staring at me and people can easily make out my movements because it is hard to blend into any crowd.  In addition, people are always trying to talk to me and, at times, it does get aggressive.  I think that people have a romanticized idea of what it means to truly live in an African country because they may not realize that they become the minority and it is not easy.  It got to me so badly that I started to dislike Ugandans for their treatment of me.  And while I don’t agree to anyone being subject to this type of behavior, I have worked through those demons.  It doesn’t make it any less annoying, but it does make it forgivable and tolerable. 

I will never pretend like my experiences here have made me fully aware of what it feels like for many people of color (POC) in America.  I will never know what it feels like to be a black American male, in fear of being wrongfully shot and killed by the police.  I will never know what it feels like to be an Arabic American, prejudiced against by the assumption of being a religious extremist and, therefore, must also be planning some horrible terror attack.  There are many more experiences that I will never fully know the feeling to because I am not physically in their shoes.  But I do know what it feels like to be a light-skinned American female in Uganda (as well as Hispanic in America) and these experiences have made me more aware of the bigger concept to this narrative.  It is not always a pleasant experience, as previously noted, so I can only imagine the types of feelings that POC face every day in the country they call home.

Race isn’t the only thing that people don’t seem to agree on these days.  I could go on for quite some time about all of the many controversies that exist in America.  But that is not the entire point that I would like to make here today.  I am truly saddened by the ugliness that these controversies bring out in people.  Humankind is a disappointing group and a lot of it is an extension for our inability to experience empathy or be vulnerable.  In all situations and outcomes, we must be right, as individuals or collective groups, and any threat to that shield can be met with such a force that makes us lose our humanity.  We treat people not as how they wish to be treated, but as however we see fit with our own perspective as the judge of this treatment and without regard for the other. 

The easiest and most reactive response we can have when we feel threatened is to get defensive.  I have done this many times and probably will continue to do so, to some degree, for the rest of my life.  Something may not even be specifically directed to me as a person, but it does not change the feeling of wanting to be the one who is right.  This is what I see in the responses of many, many people to these controversies.  Since we are currently on the topic of race, one of the most controversial topics is the kneeling of sports players during the national anthem.  I can see why it is upsetting to the people who feel like it is a direct act meant to disrespect the foundation of America and those who fought (and are fighting) to make it a free country because that is, indeed, what it looks like.  The offense this act makes people feel blinds them to take a minute to think about why someone would be doing this other than to be rude.  It can no longer be understood that this act is meant to be a protest of the way POC, specifically black Americans, have been treated and meant to bring awareness to the subject. 

When I was an undergraduate student, one of the repetitive themes throughout my years was that all of us are wearing lenses…and I do not mean specks.  All of us have theoretical lenses in which we perceive the world.  A few of my lenses are: female, American, young, oldest sibling, social worker, etc.  We are always wearing these lenses, but sometimes we are not aware of how they affect the way we interact with the world.  This ignorance leads us to count our reality as the golden standard, or all inclusive reality for all people.  Because we cannot necessarily change some of our lenses, this is where empathy plays its role.  It is through the feelings we experience in life that we are able to gain a better sense of humanity and a better clarity to these lenses; we can relate to others because we share similar feelings, as humans, from either shared or independent experiences with them.  It does not mean that we fully understand their story, only that we can have a better understanding of their reality in this way.

Unfortunately, to be empathetic, one must also have a sense of vulnerability.  Vulnerability is not one of our strong character traits as humans because it forces us to critically look at ourselves, to admit wrongdoing, and to be willing to accept the unknown.  And this is extremely uncomfortable.  No one wants to be wrong or not have the “right” answer.  No one wants to see the ugliness that lies within the crevices of his or her soul.  Because we will not open ourselves up, we close ourselves off to the possibility of being able to experience a broader perspective than our current view.  It is like we are standing in front of a giant window overlooking the most beautiful scene (think Rivendale) but it is covered in thick grime aside from two, tiny eye-holes; the true beauty of the scene cannot be absorbed with such a perspective.

I cannot say that I have all the answers for how to have a perfect world.  In fact, I quite literally feel like I know nothing all of the time and know less with each passing day.  But I do say that some of our problems may be resolved could people shut up and actively listen to one another.  To actively listen means that someone has to purposely take of his/her lenses for a moment in an attempt to try to see things from another person’s perspective.  It may not resolve anything at all, but it would provide clarity into why someone behaves in certain ways or holds certain beliefs.  It is time for us to find our humanity again, please, and treat people with love, respect, and dignity.  We don’t have to agree or understand another person in order to do simply treat others in this way. 

There is nothing worse than someone who thinks that they are very self-aware of their own darkness only for their ignorance to continue to perpetuate division amongst others.  Again, we would all like to be right and even admitting it to ourselves, when no one else would need to know, is very scary.  The one thing I would request of you is to take some time to really evaluate how you have let your lenses impact the way you treat others.  Maybe if we all stopped acting like we are living in a warzone 24/7 and using our lenses as shields to protect us from fire, we could have some real discussions with ourselves and others.

Xoxo,

Emilia