Unfinished endings

One month before leaving for Uganda! 
Friends don't let friends study abroad alone.

She stands on the stage in front of her entire community dreading the moment that is about to happen.  There is nothing that she can do to save herself from her fate because it has been sealed by those at the very top of society.  She sheds a tear as her name is called, once again, to enter into a horrible “game” that is an almost guarantee to take her life away.  There is no one who can take her place and there is nothing she can do to get herself out of this situation.   The only thing that she can do is prepare herself for what is to come and maintain hope that all will be well.

Over the course of the past few days, I have been feeling a lot like what Katniss Everdeen must have felt standing on the stage (as described above) to be reaped for the Quarter Quell.  I like to vicariously live through fictional characters because novels present stories that allow us to understand life a little bit better.  This past week has been one of the worst weeks…ever.  The Uganda Studies Program (USP) has concluded early leaving me with a huge heartache, one so big that it can only be redeemed by the loving hands of Jesus. 

There are multiple reasons and factors that have gone into the decision for the program to be concluded early.  I will try my best to describe the situation is an objective voice and try to give you brief insight into the situation that has been unfolding in East Africa over the past several years.  This requires me to give you more information on an Islamic militant group called Al-Shabab.  Al-Shabab is from Somalia and is related to Al Qaida.  They have been striking back against countries that have sent military groups into Somalia, including Uganda, because they are upset with the interference of these nations within Somalia’s borders.  A hot spot for this group to threaten is Kampala, the capital of Uganda.  Over the past few weeks, a warning from the US Embassy about potential terrorist attacks has prohibited our group to travel to Kampala.  It is common for this group to make threats, but the last large attack they had on the city was the 2010 bombing.

Last week, Al-Shabab attacked a Kenyan university (which is located near the Somali border) and targeted Christian students.  While this attack has increased awareness of the threat of Al-Shabab, there was no immediate danger to us at Uganda Christian University (UCU).  Several days after the attack in Kenya, we received news that there was a threat made against universities located on the Kampala-Jinja highway.  Due to the proximity of UCU to this road, this changed the entire situation.  There have been no official warnings released by the US Embassy regarding this threat because they assessed that the threat did not warrant a warning at this time, but the Ugandan police have stepped by and taken this threat very seriously.  The security measures at UCU have been heightened and the safety of all of its students/faculty has been made the number one priority. 

As a result of this big, giant mess that is not easily understood across borders and has been fueled by (perceived) fear, the president of the Council of Christian Colleges and Universities (CCCU) decided to conclude the USP early and have students leave UCU immediately.  This decision shows that the BestSemester program is responsive to keeping its students safe in serious situations.  I respect the decision that was made by the BestSemester program because I understand the ramifications of our stay on the existence on USP.  I want the program to exist until the end of time and for more students to experience the great beauty of Uganda.  But I want to make it very clear that I did not leave Uganda voluntarily.  The decision made about concluding the program early forced many students, who were not ready to leave the country, out of its borders.  Uganda has become a home to me and I stand by this country with all of its problems because it is near and dear to my heart.  Love requires that we do not abandon ship at the sighting of a storm.

I do not want to sound as if I am not taking this threat made by a terrorist group seriously because I do, very much so.  My frustration stems from the current condition of the world.  Why do others delight in controlling others through fear or desire to truly hurt others?  Why is okay for me to leave Uganda because I am an American, but to leave behind people who are not able to escape this reality?  While my abrupt leaving has been difficult on me, I have left behind amazing people who have to grieve the loss of our group.  This situation is more than me and my feelings, but reveals the depths of our priorities and has left many people with unanswerable questions.

The conclusion of our program has left me with many losses.  These losses were going to come at the end of April, regardless of terrorist threats, but are so much more painful because I was not able to fully say goodbye to many people and was taken from my learning experience prematurely.  I am no longer a college student surrounded by all of my friends, both UCU and USP, or going to work in the field with my colleagues.  The reason I say all of this is to let you know that I am going to need some time.  My grief over these losses comes and goes with the hour.  I have experienced life in which many of you do not understand or will ever understand because you were simply not with me in Uganda.  It is difficult enough for me to go through such great losses, but to go through it with people who were not with me through these experiences is very rough.  I need people who will be sensitive to me because I am in a time of mourning and one phrase or action could push me over the edge.  Jesus has walked with me through my time in Uganda and will continue to walk with me in America.

My overwhelming sadness is met with this zealous anger.  When I get feisty and passionate, there is no holding me back.  There are moments when I am furious with those who “took” my time in Uganda from me, but I must remember the true root of the matter.  The situation that caused me to come home is very spiritually charged.  It is a reminder of the great evil that lives in the world and the sacrifices that must be made in order to stand amidst it with light.  We live in a world that is in constant battle and sometimes evil will win the fight.  The good news is that Jesus wins the war and I will continue to fight alongside Him in all that I do.  Satan sure did mess with the wrong girl and he will be sorry for ever getting involved in my life as long as I live.

Now can you see how I feel like Katniss?  (If you have not read/seen Catching Fire, then I am sorry because this analogy will probably make no sense to you.)  My destiny has been decided by others and my only option has been to enter back into a life that is overwhelming.  I question my ability to go back and survive because I have been left broken from my last experience.  The people who I want with me in my life are not necessarily with me at all times and I become very protective of them because they are the only ones who understand and I want them to be alright in the end, too.  I am scared, hurt, and confused.  But, most importantly, I am angry.  I have a tendency to misplace my anger towards others, but deep in the depths of my heart I know the real enemy.  

Celebrating our last days together in our Ugandan home!

xoxo,

Emilia

P.S. – Uganda, I will see you later.  We are not finished yet.

My trip was made more financially affordable thanks to the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship (http://www.iie.org/en/Programs/Gilman-Scholarship-Program)!